You know that sick feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when the plane starts plummeting to the ground? You know, the one right before you crash and burn. This is going to be a nasty one folks.

and not in any of the places i like...

 so tired, but i lay down and the brain wont shut off. wont give up. wont let me sleep, too much to be done. So many thoughts struggling to be heard, and as usual i can push them all away except one. its not the loudest , but it is the strongest , the most uncompromising. The one i can ignore and neglect all day even as it stalks me..yet i try to sleep, and there it is . patiently waiting until im at my weakest before it pounces in, and has my peace in a stranglehold of insecurity and fear. 
  fuck i hate these nights.
      

  Missing you. So much. Everything seems to be closing in on me tonight, and while i understand why, its certainly unpleasant. Time seems to be passing by with the swiftness of frozen molasses, and we both know how patient I am. I  My life is lived in five minutes a day, six days a week. And I am so grateful for those five minutes. So grateful that you are alive and well, and with me , and just the sound of your breathing fills every empty space in my soul. And i wait for the time that I have the sound of your breath in my ear as we fall asleep together, knowing that time may never come. Because when the phone clicks , you are leaving me to face things unknown, and i may never get to hear your voice again. So everyday, i catch that call on the first ring, and I am grateful for my five minutes. 

  I will never take you for granted. Because no one is. No tomorrows are guaranteed.  So here i am wishing i had you to hold, hoping youre safe, and waiting for my five minutes. I love you.
   
    
 
 

 My life took a very strange and wonderful turn October of last year. I wont be going into detail, so lets just say that a lot of pieces in my life finally fell into place. I was ready for an ending, and to my very happy surprise there was a beginning waiting for me. Slight, but there all the same. An opportunity for renewal that I never thought would exist. 

     The Universe has not dealt with me kindly , and I do not trust happy things that happen to me. Even this one. I wait and wonder when the rug will be pulled out from underneath me. There is no precedent for the happiness im feeling, and I have a suspicion there will be no precedent for the disaster waiting to come. But still there is a smile on my face. Still i cannot wait for morning, cannot wait to begin my life again each day. My stomach flutters and my heart races and this silly grin will NOT leave. Disasters be damned. Universe be damned. Im not giving this up. and you can't make me.

  

    This has been one of the hardest weekends of my life.  Lots of personal and family drama. Lots of writer's block and insomnia. Mostly not enough of what makes my world a happy place to live. 







   Wishing you were here to tuck me in and sing me to sleep. Wish I was there to kiss you good night and pull the covers up over your shoulder.

 So begins a new journey in my life. This journal is mostly private, with an occasional friends only or public post. Old things have passed away, all things become new.


MX

HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY ,HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY!!!!!!!

MY LAPTOP WILL BE RETURNED BY 7PM TOMORROW EVENING BY MY BEST FRIEND FEDEX.
HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY,HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY!!!

IM WEARING NEW SOCKS...IM WEARING NEW SOCKS..

Last night was the most precious, the most painful moment of my life.
Giving up something you have held onto for the longest time is so wrenching. But I have been cleansed of doubt, and I am ready to accept the rest of my life. Thats very hard to do you know.

What do you name that moment when you realize what someone is worth to you? What is that second called when you find out that your dream may not be true, but you hold something much brighter, much more fantastic, than you could have ever dreamed?

Feeling frisky. WHO WANTS TO PLAY NEKKID -BABY OIL-TWISTER???

I slept until 10:30 today. Must be my new night shirt.
I am so blessed. Maybe one day I will get around to listing them all. For now ,lets just say that friends are the bread of life, and I am getting fat from all the carbohydrates.

Oh God of scholarly persons, please deliver me from this purgatory you call homework......................

How sweet it is to dream and remember the past. How sweeter still to dream, and look to the future.

I feel that I am but a humble crumbsnatcher at the table of life......

would give anything to be in the same place as my heart tonight.

Am I ever going to sleep again????

Just told a dear friend that his life seems like an upside down puzzle. The pieces fit together, but you cant tell how they fit into the picture. I dont know who i am to talk.my life is much the same way.

Talking to a friend I haven't seen in 12 years. Its times like these that make life worth living.

Spent the day doing various feats of skill( YARDWORK)and strength (keeping my opinion to myself). I am exhausted.Too much work involved in being polite.Wouldn't like to have to do it very often.
I miss my friends..those few brave souls who love me regardless of my lacking social acceptability.I shall have to go annoy them soon.

so much to say..so little space..
People need to get their lives together before commiting to someone else. Why is this simple truth so hard for people to grasp?